I’ve been making more of a point to read recently, and “The Plug-In Drug” happened to be the book of choice. I found it an encouragement to keep on limiting my computer time and focus on getting “real” things done. I know computer work is real work too, but it tends to suck and suck and suck and give diminishing returns on investment and I hate that feeling. Of course the book is mostly talking about TV, but author Maire Winn says the same goes for all electronic media. She has many insightful things to say, but is not bashing people with TV’s or people who like the time they spend with electronic media. In her conclusion she writes
“Television’s attraction is so powerful precisely because it gratifies the passive side of human nature that everyone is endowed with in differing degrees. Thus an important step toward a more satisfying family life is to become aware of this passive pull, to assess its power, and to consciously struggle against it. For most parents this requires a true dedication to the family over all personal pursuits, and a firm resolve to make their children’s childhood a rich and distinctive experience, one that will serve as a resource for the rest of their lives.” (Page 298)
Covey would call the passive pull our draw to “quadrant IV” activities: those that are not important and not urgent, but we often find ourselves there because we’re exhausted and need a break.
I see in much of her urging more support for my desire to homeschool. That is how I envision making our “children’s childhood a rich and distinctive experience.” This is probably the furthest thing from Winn’s mind, but that’s the power of books and ideas. You never know where people will take them.
One such implicit endorsement for homeschooling occurs when she describes the importance of free-time in a child’s life.
“That, finally, is the primary function of free time in children’s lives: to provide the necessary opportunities for reducing their dependence and developing their separate selves. This cannot happen in one or two or even twenty grand epiphanies, but only through a gradual, day-after-day, year-after-year accumulation of free-time experiences, each providing a revelation so tiny, perhaps, that neither the child nor the parent recognizes it. Only through those self-propelled activities in which games are invented and dreams dreamed will children discover a self dependable enough to sustain them in place of those people and things they have been dependent on for so long.” (Page 140)
Marie Winn also hit close to home when describing some of the difficulties parents have in daily life with kids. They explain why using TV as a babysitter is so temping. We don’t have a TV, so that’s not an option, but it sure would be nice to have Joseph taken care of for a few minutes while I cooked or did some other task he makes quite difficult with all his demands. She described some old-fashioned ways mothers used to survive, which helped spark my imagination. I wish she had shared more and with more details. She notes “firmness” (you can’t give a child the option of going shopping with you if that’s the only possible option so the parents must learn to be firm because it must be done), “observing with an Eagle Eye” (carefully observing where the child is developmentally and providing him with opportunities to entertain himself with those skills, for example, taking the time to see if a child can cut with a pair of dull scissors and providing him with plenty of colored paper), and “the nap” (even if the child doesn’t need it, the mother does, so making a ritual of at least “quite play” even when the child outgrows the nap – this of course is related to having the skill of firmness). (Pages 125-128)
This idea inspired me to be more regular about winding Joseph down for a nap. He still needs the sleep, but often gets too excited to settle down and naptime has been sometimes pretty awful for us. I’ve started a ritual where we stop our work, pick up his toys together (okay, so he just watches, but he’s with me while “we” do it), listen to a classical piece (he’s fascinated because I haven’t really played all that much canned music to him) while I hold him and rock him, and dance a little. This slows him down a bit and then we go into the bedroom and I message him a bit and finally lie down and nurse him. That’s helped him to be tired enough to actually fall asleep while nursing. If I go right to nursing he’ll still be awake when he’s full and will jump up and go crazy. It’s been great to have some sort of regularity to my day in terms of having breaks!
Winn also delivered some shocking thoughts that questioned some ideas of mine about mothering. I’m not sure I can do the “Half-Busy Syndrome” justice here. She describes I on page 142: “[The mother] goes about her various duties and occasional leisure-time activities in bits and spurts, stopping whatever she is doing to take care of this or that, answering the child’s persistent questions, taking make-believe tastes of endless mudpies, admiring drawing. She is busy, but never too busy to look up from her book or stop her work to attend to the child’s needs or wishes. She become hardened to the half-busy way of life and finds a certain satisfaction in the idea that she’s a good mother. But occasionally she feels she must have some relief from being constantly on tap.”
What? Isn’t she a good mother? I was proud that I learned to cut up all my activities into bit-sized chunks so I could get them done around Joseph’s needs. It’s a bad thing? It takes a huge amount of energy to do, so I was shocked at the idea that it’s not healthy!
Her point is that being available for interruption all the time is not good for parent or child, and that it’s better to give the child your full attention and then have a period where you are not available and the child is forced to figure out a solution on his own or wait until you are free again. I wasn’t sure if this could apply to the age Joseph is, but just thinking about it has changed the way I act during the day, with positive results, I think. I realized that I would try to get the “most important stuff” done first and then sit down and focus on Joseph, but of course, most days that would mean never getting around to really giving Joseph my attention. I’d play with him, but always with the thought that I wanted to get back to work. I’ve been trying to set the timer for about 10 minutes and do my work, then when it goes off, STOP (and that’s hard, really) and play with Joseph with all my creative energy (which is actually enjoyable – to have permission to sit down and play!). I usually don’t set the timer for focused play, but I keep my eye on the clock to keep and idea of the time I’ve spent. Often Joseph is recharged by the focused time and can leave me alone for another 10 minutes while I work. Sometimes he wants to bug me while I’m working, and I don’t have a set plan of what I do, but I try to put him off if I can, telling him that I will focus on him when the timer goes off. It helps that he likes to play with the timer when it’s ticking . . .
In Winn’s words, “Clearly children whose mother or caretaker is half-busy all the time are never more than half-free themselves. They are never presented with the real necessity of confronting time in their own way. Meawhile, the parent is deprived of any truly free time for herself. . . The experiences of parents who have changed the quality of their attentiveness confirm the likelihood that being half-busy throughout the day makes children more demanding and dependent. When periods of complete attention are alternated with periods of nonavailability to the child, both parent and child begin to enjoy truly free time.” (Page 144)
That reminds me of a quote from Glenn Doman I have posted above my computer to inspire me. “There is nothing any child loves better than having his mother’s undivided and happy attention.”
At this point my readers and myself are wondering what happened to the promise that I wouldn’t write lots of long blog posts. I’ll end with two random quotes.
“Dorothy Singer, senior research scientist in psychology at Yale University, calls programmed electronic dolls “very limiting.” A much better toy, she maintains, would be a simple doll for which the children themselves may do the talking. She and her husband, Yale psychologist Jerome Singer, are advocates of simple make-believe play using the simplest of accessories – boxes, paper bags, socks and the like – and have written a book demonstrating the value of such play, with ideas of how to encourage it.” (Page 194) hint, hint, Christmas present . . .
“A psychiatrist [says] . . . The television problem is related to small families. Amusing small kids would be perfectly easy if you had four or five kids of various ages around at all times to amuse each other. The whole idea of a mother entertaining a small child is kind of crazy, anyway. It never happened prior to 1900.” (Page 235)
I guess I should take a tip from my sister.
Naptime: I insisted on this, as Winn says, not for the boys sake, but for mine. We called it quiet time and I know I started it with T before B was born. After lunch, they had to spend one hour in their rooms. When they were little they napped and as they got older they could play quietly. If I was smart, I also took a nap. Sometimes I did something else with my child-free time, but I wouldn't recommend it. I needed the time to recharge to be a more patient mom in the afternoon. BTW, I still often grab a half hour nap after lunch. It makes all the difference.
You know we didn't let the boys watch TV when they were little. The funny thing is that even though experts recommend not letting kids watch TV, the first step in any disciplinary measure suggested is to remove TV privileges!
Also, remember that every child is different. T could sit for hours entertaining himself. He still does, either by reading, writing, or playing his complex battle strategy games. His brother, on the other hand, always wants to be with someone. He constantly peppers us with questions. It doesn't take long for me to reach my limit. I am working on this, but as someone who enjoys solitude, it is not easy.
S
Lest you wonder in this post about the dangers of electronic media why Janet messages Joseph... he doesn't have his own cell phone.
I take it back: Joseph does have my old cell phone to play with, and I keep thinking I should remove the battery... let me go do that now.
I know computer work is real work too, but it tends to suck and suck and suck and give diminishing returns on investment and I hate that feeling. I do understand, and it's quite a struggle now when so much of what I do —and believe worthwhile—involves the computer. Now if our kids and grandkids were nearby.... I'm working on my own post about the battle. Don't hold your breath, though.
One such implicit endorsement for homeschooling occurs when she describes the importance of free-time in a child’s life. Indeed. We had many great reasons for homeschooling, but this is the one that pushed me over the edge. You (plural) were too busy, and when I considered all your various activities, the one that was giving the worst return for time invested was (institutional) school.
(There's much more you've inspired me to comment on, but it will have to wait a little bit. Life is calling.)
To firmness, observation, and the nap/quiet play, I’ll add persistence and consistency. For example, even without a crib, you can teach Joseph to stay on the bed during naptime, if you consistently put him back every time: gently, firmly, telling him he must “rest” for 30 minutes (or whatever) and when the timer goes off he can get up. (You’re already doing a variation on this with your 10-minute segments.) The trick is that you must do it every time. If you give in, it sets the whole process back, as he learns you don’t always mean what you say.
A couple of years ago I read about a practice called “blanket time,“ which I thought an admirable alternative to a playpen. Since then, I’ve been horrified to learn that it’s apparently a “Babywise” idea (in addition to, not instead of, the playpen), and if you google it you’re likely to find some appalling stories. And yet. Just because something can be misused, that doesn’t mean it can’t be used for good. Like a knife.
The idea is to train your baby to play quietly for a given amount of time, staying within the confines of a blanket spread on the floor. (Blanket size varies, but it’s more useful if it’s a size you can take with you—to a friend’s house, or the doctor’s office.) Of course that’s no better than a playpen if you require blanket time frequently, or for long periods. But the ability of a child to play quietly in a small space for a short time is not only not helpful for the mother, but a valuable skill for the child—and an essential one for a true free-range childhood. But that last part is for my own post. :)
