My attempt to imbed a video:
In this TED talk by behavior economist Daniel Kahneman there is a fair bit of psychological talk that I’m not sure I get, but his discussion of the difference in happiness of our “experiencing selves” and our “remembering selves” gave me some insight into what to expect from childbirth. An example of how these two selves see happiness differently, he tells a story of a man who listened to 20 minutes of glorious music only to have a horrible sound come at the very end, which he claims ruined the whole experience. Of course it had no influence on the 20 minutes of enjoying his experiencing self had had, but all he was left with was his memory, so his remembering self could only look on the experience as a bad one. The fact that the end experience influences greatly the view of the whole experience given by the remembering self lead me to the conclusion that I cannot use any descriptions given by mothers to prepare myself for what childbirth will be like as I actually experience it. I fully intend to forget all the pain and remember the most beautiful moment in the world when my tiny baby is placed in my arms, and maybe living that future memory in my head during labor will decrease the discomfort (a lovely word often used to describe labor pains) for my experiencing self, but it’s unclear how much this knowledge can change the happiness of the two selves.
As for earning money, at the end of the video Kahneman shares a statistic that shows that the less one earns per year the more unhappy the experiencing self is. The catch is that once income reaches $60,000 (for an American) the line is flat: there is no increase in experiential happiness. It’s all in the head: the happiness of the remembering self still continues to increases with increasing income. So I say get your satisfaction with your life from other sources and you’ve saved yourself years of work at the office. Use the extra time to make a load of memorable experiences and the happiness of the remembering self (the one we mostly live out of and base or view of ourselves and our lives on) will be better than a millionaire!
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I didn't watch it (20 minutes is a lot of computer time for me) but I do have a comment about my experiencing self and labor. I actually have good memories of my early (before pushing that is) labor with Isaac. Obviously, the ending was horrible, but my remembering self did not let that completely impair the satisfaction of the earlier part. Maybe that just tells you how good warm water is for labor, I don't know!
There definitely is a forgetting of the pain that happens once the live, squirming, crying baby is placed in your arms.
But it's not a total forgetting. I waver between whether Isaac's or Noah's was my hardest birth. Noah was so big and it was such pain that on the one hand I want to say it was my hardest. But then again, I did get the wiggling, crying baby for that one.
On the financial side, as Mom says we do manage to be rich while being poor. We're very happy experiencing this life with an income less than $60k.
Fascinating. His distinction between the experiencing self and the remembering self helps me understand something I've always thought weird: I find myself wanting, not to do something, but to have done it. As an example, I'm currently listening to an audio book of The Brothers Karamazov on my daily walks. I'm halfway through the book, and can't say that my experiencing self is enjoying it much. It's interesting, but I don't look forward to hearing the next chapter; instead, I look forward to finishing the book. I don't quit, because my remembering self, to use his terms, wants to have read the book, so my experiencing self has to wade through it. (I also keep hoping it will get better, and it has, somewhat.)
His distinction between how happily someone is living his life, and that person's satisfaction with his life, also helps me understand people who look and act as if they are miserable and yet will tell you that they are happy: the outsider sees the experiencing self, but the remembering self speaks.
I wonder about the $60K figure, however. He says that the experiencing self finds happiness in spending time with people we like, but doesn't find increased happiness with earning more than $60,000 per year. Perhaps his large sample of Americans didn't include very many who have significant "people we like" overseas. Both my experiencing self and my remembering self are happier with having enough income to afford overseas trips than they would be without it. :) But I agree that if all our family were close by, money for overseas travel, while nice, would not make a significant difference in the happiness factor.
On the other hand, I wonder a bit about his two-self dichotomy. I see it as maybe a useful tool for understanding some things, but it can be pushed too far. We are not divided, but whole, and one "self" is not more important than the other. I get the impression he thinks that the happiness of the experiencing self is "real" happiness, definitely the most important happiness, and I disagree. A significant part of what makes us human is the remembering, which weaves all our life together. He claims he hasn't spent much time "remembering" his wonderful three-week vacation in Antarctica, but by saying that he's neglecting the fact that his trip had much more effect on him than the few minutes he has taken to reflect on it.
If one makes it a goal to maximize the happiness of the experiencing self, one comes out in favor of anesthesia for colonoscopies, for dental work, and for childbirth. But even ignoring the fact that there might be significant material reasons for forgoing anesthesia (e.g. better health of the child, more feedback for the dentist or doctor), I'm convinced that there are ultimate advantages for the whole self in not missing the experience, even if it is painful. A good childbirth educator empowers you to control the pain (a useful skill in all of life) but to embrace the experience.
