IrishOboe

C.S . Lewis on Friendship in his book The Four Loves:

"Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden).  The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, "What?  You too?  I thought I was the only one."  It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision - it is then that Friendship is born. In this kind of love, as Emerson said, Do you love me? means Do you see the same truth? - Or at least, "Do you care about the same truth?" The man who agrees with us that some question, little regarded by others, is of great importance can be our Friend.  He need not agree with us about the answer."

Sometimes you read something and go "that's it!"  This is a beautiful description of Friendship and I am blessed to have a number of Friends who each care about one or another truth that I hold dear.  I enjoy the company of many companions as well, but this kind of Friendship is something I treasure.  I stopped to reflect on this special gift of Friendship before returning to the book to have my socks knocked off with words I related to even more strongly.  Lewis writes:

"When the two people who thus discover that they are on the same secret road are of different sexes, the friendship which arises between them will very easily pass - may pass in the first half-hour - into erotic love.  Indeed, unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do so sooner or later.  And conversely, erotic love may lead to Friendship between the lovers.  But this, so far from obliterating the distinction between the two loves, puts it in a clearer light.  If one who was first, in the deep and full sense, your Friend, it then gradually or suddenly revealed as also your lover you will certainly not want to share the Beloved's erotic love with any third.  But you will have no jealousy at all about sharing the Friendship.  Nothing so enriches an erotic love as the discovery that the Beloved can deeply, truly and spontaneously enter into Friendship with the Friends you already had: to feel that not only are we two united by erotic love but we three or four or five are all travelers on the same quest, have all a common vision."

There, in the most unlikely place, is my unformulated expectation for dating and marriage.  I’ve always feebly said something like “let’s be friends first” and “there is so much to know about a person before it makes sense to enter an exclusive relationship (dating, courting, whatever), and somehow two friends can grow into something more.”  I see the key is that I was unable to articulate what I meant by ‘friend’ and that I believed it essential that my husband be my Friend.  (Note: I am using C.S. Lewis’s very special definition of Friendship with a capital ‘F,’ which in no way diminishes the value of friendship, or companionship as C.S. Lewis calls it.)  Lewis not only makes my fuzzy idea of finding a mate seem possible, he even says one is "fortunate" to "fall in love" this way.  I would rather say I would be blessed beyond expectation.  Lewis continues:

"The co-existence of Friendship and Eros may also help some moderns to realize that Friendship is in reality a love, and even as great a love as Eros.  Suppose you are fortunate enough to have "fallen in love with" and married your Friend.  And now suppose it possible that you were offered the choice of two futures: "Either you two will cease to be lovers but remain forever joint seekers of the same God, the same beauty, the same truth, or else, losing all that, you will retain as long as you live the raptures and ardors, all the wonder and the wild desire of Eros.  Choose which you please."  Which should we choose?"

I rather despise hypothetical situations that make you choose when in reality there will never be such a choice, but in this case it illustrates something I needed to realize.  Note that C.S. Lewis defines eros as the whole experience of romantic love, not just sex.  Even still, for me the answer is unequivocally the former.  Eros is empty without sharing the same God, the same beauty, the same truth.  (I'm not saying the couple must agree on everything, just care about enough of the same truths.)  Friendship and eros together must be very beautiful indeed.

This is my long delayed answer to the dating discussion started HERE.  I overreact to dating books and discussions because I feel that they are irrelevant at best and incompatible at worst with my vision of finding a life partner, articulated so well by C.S. Lewis.  I know there is no way to know if or when or how God might bring this kind of love into my life, so I am not writing this to show that I will stick to my guns.  Rather, it is a way to better understand my own feelings and put them in perspective so I can have greater understanding and grace toward those who think and feel differently.  Now that I know I am not alone I can have patience.  From past experience I bet that it will probably lead to the discovery that I wasn’t so different from everyone else after all.

This is the main point of this post.  The following attempts to analyze how this expectation of mine has caused a disconnect between myself and potential suitors.  If that does not interest you, please feel no obligation to read further.

C.S. Lewis is not yet done articulating the inexplicable:
"That is why those pathetic people who simply "want friends" can never make any.  The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends.  Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? would be "I see nothing and I don't care about the truth; I only want a Friend," no Friendship can arise-though Affection of course may.  There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice.  Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers."

Insightful, but replace the word "Friend" with "girlfriend" and you have a summary of my frustration with the boys in my life who have decided they are interested in me romantically before they’ve even met me.  Right or not, a declaration of romantic interest before the forming of a Friendship screams this to me:  I simply want a girlfriend.  (To paraphrase Lewis) I see nothing and I don't care about truth; I only want a girlfriend.  I don't want my girlfriend to be my Friend.  I don't appreciate you or care about what you find important.  I'm only interested in having someone - anyone to be with.  I am going nowhere and have nothing to share, but you're pretty and nice enough to tolerate going nowhere with.

I know this is harsh.  I don't really believe this is what those men think.  I'm attempting to explain my inexplicable distrust of these men.  It didn’t seem they were looking for or had found a Friend so I concluded their interest was purely physical attraction, for what else did they know of me but my looks?  I realize this was a false conclusion (not to mention a rather egotistical one), but that was the only way I knew to explain it and it left me confused, disappointed, and hurt.  Thankfully I managed to befriend, date, or otherwise build a relationship with many of them, but I sure appreciate the men who were interested in me but managed to pursue that interest in a relaxed and friendly manner even if they confessed their interest early on.  Most appreciated are those who didn’t drop the friendship when it became clear it wouldn’t go beyond friendship. 

Thanks for listening.  I’ve been struggling for thirteen years with this issue and finally feel like I have some degree of understanding.  Naturally, I had to write.  You probably already see the connection between this and my interesting relationship with makeup, but that is for another post.

Lastly, here’s a great big THANKS to all my Friends.  You make my life on this earth a JOY!