IrishOboe

So just what goes through the mind the day before an audition that will determine the course of your life?  Lucky for me I have no idea.  God determines the course of my life and he has given me a great peace today.  Even before I played a great run-through for CY I envisioned what would happen if I was not accepted and I went home with no immediate plans to come back to Basel, and I was fine with it.  My imagination still works well and I really thought about the details and I pictured returning home and waiting for the next direction from God.  I could imagine a few situations that would be exciting and fulfilling and I know God has even better plans in store.  I’m writing this not to tell you that I no longer want to come back, but mostly so that if I am not accepted, rereading it will remind me of the peace and trust I had in God today.  I have to admit I didn’t really picture the goodbye part, but could imagine pressing onward to a new work.

As things stand now I am confident that my pieces are a good representation of what I can do and that I will be accepted, but I have peace with another outcome.  It is odd, usually I have no confidence in my ability and only the slightest hope that I will ‘win’ the audition and this low expectation has always served to cushion the fall and so mask how much I want it.  It was a way of curbing my excitement about the future in favor of protecting my ego at the moment.  This time, however, I feel very excited about the prospect of coming back to the Schola, BCF, and Basel.  I have lots of great ideas and hopes and it’s an exciting road that I desire to walk down!  Yet at the same time, the thought of giving it all up does not cause distress.  I am ready to give up the good gifts the Lord has given me and follow in the path of His choosing, knowing full well that His path is the best path.  I must say I rather like having passion and eagerness for something at the same time that I hold it lightly.  It is worlds better than refusing to feel in order to avoid being hurt.

Now I will hijack my own post and say that because I was so at peace, after the proper practice and preparation I sat down to a book and now have the burden to write about it.  It made me so mad I nearly threw it across the room, but it was not my book.  I then told myself “I should get so upset about it” and instantly I was sitting calming looking simply at so much ink and paper.  I’m not sure what makes me a passionate person, but it was bazaar to have my passion disappear so quickly.  I have no interpretation for you at the moment.

The content that sent me raving is still a matter of concern to me, but hopefully I don’t need to rant about it.  The book I was reading at up to that point been moderately helpful.  I have a decent amount of respect for Dr. James Dobson, and Life on the Edge caught my eye.  I don’t find it the most insightful of books nor brimming with timeless truths, but I suspect that’s not the point of a book meant to help foolish teens through their transition years.  (I’m 25 and so just on the age limit for reading the book.  Maybe that should have been my first clue.)

Unfortunately, in writing I did go into a rant, but I can’t seem to write about it other than in a sarcastic way.  Have patience, or skip.

The chapters on marriage made me nearly forget his good advice in previous chapters on seeking first the kingdom of heaven.  I thought Dobson was a wise family man but his advice on dating – oh, excuse me, courting leaves me cold (or hot, depending).  What’s the secret to true intimacy in a world of divorce and fear?  Well, Mr. Researcher has found the answer: step methodically through stages of physical intimacy, but not too fast.  Wow, good to know marriage is all about sex.  I suppose I misunderstood the purpose of  his progression “eye to body,” “eye to eye,” “voice to voice,” “hand to hand,” “hand to shoulder,” “hand to waste,” you get the picture.  He’s not saying that’s what finding a partner is all about, just that’s a good way to become physically intimate when the time comes.  Sadly, the example he gives proves that hopeful theory or misinterpretation wrong.  He tells the fairy tale story of how he met his wife (proof positive it’s the best way to do things!).  He saw her sitting across the cafeteria (eye to body) and she saw him looking at her (eye to eye) and they exchanged flirtation glances (how godly).  Some days later (taking it slowly, obviously) she spoke to him: “Hi Mr. Legs” (voice to voice).  Impressive.  He was taken in by it.  Later (again, he’s so wise for letting time pass) he gets a date by some stupid trick with a coin.  The rest is history, well almost.  He does go on to say that he doesn’t believe in love at first sight and that all such stories do not end in happy marriages, but it is terribly irresponsible of him to present this as his only example.  It sets up false expectations for a romantic, physical-attraction-first way to meet your spouse.  Just go through the intimacy steps slowly and you’ll build a good marriage.  And just how do you go slowly?  He gives two lines to the answer: chit-chat.  I’m sorry, but when someone I love has his hand on my shoulder and it moves to my waste (it’s okay, that’s within the sequence) the last thing on my mind is stopping to chit-chat.  Oh, and the last few steps should be saved for after marriage, but if you’re used to steadily progressing through these ‘intimacy steps’ then how do you put on the breaks?  It’s just not practical or wise advice in my mind.  Steven Covey gives far more inspiring and practical advice in 7 Habits (I believe) when he talks about how he and his wife continually become more intimate in their conversation and work through issues and reconcile differences in a loving and beautiful way.  Plus the principles apply to all relationships!  It’s closer to what True Love is all about!

The next chapter sounds good but is nearly as empty.  Love must be tough, and by that Dobson means don’t love too much.  If you feel you’re loosing your man don’t run after him and make him feel trapped, but allow him his freedom and trust him and your love will grow together.  I understand his point, but it could be made in a paragraph and not a whole chapter.  He takes a long time to explain that it’s no fun being followed by a whipped puppy dog and girls like the challenge of a guy who is hard to get (and vice versa).  Without questioning whether it is a good or bad thing to be bored with devotion, his advice is to step back.   Again, I feel like most of his advice is anti-advice: don’t move too quickly, don’t suffocate your partner, don’t move in before marriage, don’t marry too early, don’t marry to quickly, don’t, don’t, don’t.  Fine, he’s right, but what DO we do?  Believe me, I agree that physical intimacy should progress slowly and is an important part of leading toward marriage.  I’m the first to admit that having someone so totally in love with you that he follows you around like a puppy dog is a big turn off, but isn’t there something more?  Maybe I’m a stuck-up, unfeeling, hormone-less, holier-than-thou gal, but I am not impressed by early declarations of attraction, flirting, and pick-up lines.  Frankly, I’m tired of them.    Or maybe I’m a hormone-filled, emotional, desperate gal, but the problem is not finding someone I’m attracted to but finding someone I respect and with whom I connect on many levels (maybe that’s because I’m full of so much randomness).  Finding a true friendship is difficult.  Getting the hormones going is not.  I don’t see the road to a healthy marriage paved with Hollywood romance.  Great if it happens that way, but come on, how often does it work that way?  I wonder how much time Dobson spent flirting with pretty girls and thinking of pick-up lines rather than serving God.

Dobson also says that nearly every relationship goes through a “break-up” phase where one person wants out and they either survive after a break or split forever.  To me that’s a sign that the relationship was rushed in the first place.  Why on earth is that necessary?  What would Jesus say if he read those chapters?  I think he would be totally confused.  What happened to my father’s beautiful gift of marriage?  This does not mirror my relationship to the church!

I really hope I misinterpreted it all and I really hope there are guys out there who don’t buy into it (okay, just one and that he finds me).  What I hope more is that there are books with a better vision for how God can guide two souls from being strangers to becoming one.  I could look for them, but I’ll avoid the problem of getting mad at dating books by not picking any more up . . .

Sorry this post isn’t cohesive and I still sound mad.  I’m not mad, but I am frustrated.  This coming from the big family man who is guiding Christian youth!  It matters!  We should not look like the world!  We should not simply be a ‘no’ to the world’s way.  I’m sure I’m too opinionated, and as a friend said when listening to me talk about my vision of family life “and where do you bend?”  Aye, there’s the crux of it.  Can I bend in matters of importance?  I’d like to think so, but it’s a question I need to take seriously before thinking I can be a wife.

One thing is for sure, it is all in God’s hands.  He is my teacher and guide.  Praise the Lord!

One last random thought.  I wish I would save my passion for what the Lord is passionate about.  I can get so passionate about something relatively unimportant.  So what if I disagree with Dobson’s dating advice?  I lost the need to rant in that moment after realizing I didn’t need to be angry, but I still chose to write about it and I can’t exactly say I was calm.  We really don’t want to be rid of our sins do we?