I paid my last rent. My xylitol is running out. My audition is in two weeks. We’re in the month I’m leaving for home. My best friend from college gets married in five weeks. Next month I’ll be running on the sand bar, sailing in the sound, lying on the deck, playing with cousins and nephews, and eating fresh flounder with family at the Maggie P.! For now, I’m doing my best to keep my head above water. I’m not sure if the water is mostly imaginary. I’m learning to trust in God, but I still stress over every lesson, though I’m learning to relax. Praise God they continue to go well, and though I’m stressed sometimes much of the time I’m consciously enjoying daily activities and I even stop to smell the roses.
Last Sunday (May 27th) I played harp in church. It went as well as I could have hopped, though the draft caused my middle ‘D’ to go out of tune and of course my piece was all in the key of D. I’m actually pleased with my arrangement and transition between my audition piece (spanoletta) and I heard the voice of Jesus say. A few people accused me of playing Star of the County Down, and they are right, of course. That’s what happens when you play for an international crowd. It was a bit sad that the children were dismissed just before the offertory since they were all eyeing my harp eagerly before the service. I remember eyeing a harp with longing before a certain St. Paul’s service some 15 years ago. You never know what God has in store! Speaking of St. Paul’s, I just came from a concert where a countertenor with the most gorgeous voice sang Richard Farrant’s (1525/30-1580) Lord, for Thy tender mercies’ sake. I didn’t remember Farrant, but I can never forget his music. Talk about natsukashii, but back to church. I played oboe on a number of hymns as well, and I very much enjoyed it, but I also miss not concentrating fully on worship. Without liturgy, most of the worship comes from the words of the hymns, and I’m not good enough to play well and follow the words. The sermon hit home in a personal and practical way, so that helped keep Sunday from becoming the Janet show in my mind. Still, I was kept quite busy after church meeting new people and talking about harp and oboe and music. It is very nice and important to be appreciated, but difficult to strike a balance between enjoying my music and the pleasure it brings people, and loosing myself in Christ for Sunday morning worship. I suppose I should always be in Christ the same amount, but I still think a lot about me because there is stuff I have to do. I suppose it was also very warming to share my music again since I don’t have many performance opportunities here. In Japan, teaching was my performing. Golly, what is Janet without a stage? It’s so odd how I view myself at some basic level as a performer, whatever medium that takes. There I go on a psychological tangent again. I better stick to the story so I can get to bed before 3am.
After church we had a lovely, greasy lunch of rösti then threw the Frisbee in the park one more time with Jimmy still in town. Maybe because I didn’t get enough corporate worship time in the morning, I suggested that we take some time to pray together. Praise God the idea was met with an immediate response by some and the others were willingly dragged into it. After a detour to play ping-pong on a cement table with a metal ‘net’ randomly set up on the street (it’s a good idea, I think) with the world’s smallest paddles (which added an interesting challenge), we went to Stephan’s apartment and started praying. After a short time Jimmy suggested singing some songs, and Stephan got out the praise song folder and we struggled along making a joyful noise unto the Lord quite badly. In this case, it is the thought that counts and though it may not have been a happening, it was food for the soul to sing praise to God with a small group of believers in a home. Sadly, we didn’t get back to praying. Corporate prayer is so important and we hardly pray at all in church, only to bless this or that to open or close. I miss the prayers of the people at Messiah where people speak the prayers together then voice their individual prayers out loud. I miss the times at New Life (Japan) where we took time between worship songs get in groups and just pray for each other for 15 minutes. I have so much to learn about prayer. We take it so seriously and make it to be something often unnatural and scripted. If one sits alone or with a group with the intent of praying for an hour it transforms the prayer and it is powerful. At New Life they believed in the power of prayer and we prayed intently for each other in goings and comings in struggles and joys. I miss that. Gee, I’m doing it again. Thanks for sticking with me, but I mostly write this stuff to remind me what’s important and to help me regain a right focus. If you get something out of it, great! Please don’t ever feel like I’m preaching at you. I’m just wondering out loud.
So, Sunday ended with a soul-watering time of fellowship and I had just enough time to catch a wink or two before Stephan and Jimmy picked me up the next morning for a drive through rainy Switzerland. We’d planned to go to Ticino (the Italian part of Switzerland), but we were told it’s not so nice in the rain, so we went to the French speaking part, specifically canton Vaud. On the way we drove through the town Stephan grew up in and enjoyed the view of the rolling hills and little villages. We didn’t avoid the rain, but castles are rather romantic in the rain, and the Chateau de Chillon is especially so because it is right on Lake Geneva and it feels like you’re on a ship looking out of a porthole. Pictures describe it best. (Remember to click on the picture to see all of it)
We then drove through the vineyards around Lausanne and then up to a small town with an old abby, Romainmotier. On the way Stephan taught me how to read a little French: Ouchy, Envy, Pully. I still don’t know much, but I find having a knowledgeable person nearby who is willing to answer questions an excellent way to learn. No pressure, no tests, the perfect pace. Ah, for the days of the live-in personal tutor! But I digress yet again.
The abby was special. I don’t know why. It was old, but many things are, it’s a church, but I’ve been to many. Here’s a view.
Stephan has better pictures of the inside on his blog (page 2).
There was also the most adorable tea room that I didn’t have the guts to take a picture of because it was so intimate. It was like taking tea in the parlor of a welcoming host.
On the way to dinner we drove up a small mountain for the misty view of Lake de Joux. Stephan’s pictures inform me that we were on Dent de Vaulion. I can’t pronounce it . . .
We then went to Marchairuz (I think) for a delectable fondue. The excuse was that Jimmy had never had fondue, but he likes to eat healthy things and I love fondue so I think my motives for suggesting it were mixed. On Stephan’s urging we tried one with blue cheese, and it was very tasty. I’m not a blue cheese fan, but it wasn’t too strong and mixed with everything it was a very tasty, and of course very filling meal. I’m going to miss the bread and cheese here more than the chocolate, I do believe.
The conversation was mostly about everything and nothing, but I learned some about Jazz and the Blues, and Stephan learned more about homeschooling. I failed to keep my passions low in the discussion, but I didn’t get kicked out of the car. I must hand it to Stephan for standing up to me. At one point he escaped at a rest stop and when I told Jimmy I thought I was doing a good job of staying calm he laughed at me. Oops. Not getting excited about something cool is like trying to not smile. Unfortunately, getting excited about something cool looks like a smile when I’m playing oboe: very scary. Ah, but family and a few close friends stick by me even though I've failed to convince most of them to homeschool their own.
Man, this is taking forever. I haven’t even mentioned the spiritual battles of this week. Oh wait, I haven’t even started the week. Luckily, there’s not so much to report (famous last words). I practiced, and practiced, and went to lessons, and practiced. Some lessons went better than others, and today’s lessons were superb. Baptiste and I spent an hour on one piece working out various cool sounding ornaments. In my Baroque oboe lesson I shaped some cane (she has a shaper!) and we worked on the vivace from the Telemann sonata and again she noticed something large in my playing that once I was aware of it made a big difference. This time it’s a subtlety between what works on modern oboe and what works with Baroque oboe. It was fun to play with her again. It’d been a month since the last and I won’t have another (until next year).
Bible study Tuesday night was interesting. The Catechism question “Who is the Redeemer of God’s elect?” brought up the idea that God chooses some for everlasting life and consequently (in my mind) he predestines others to hell. I managed to stay out of the conversation for a while, and even once I was in I managed to avoid saying I didn’t believe it, but alas I couldn’t talk and not speak my mind so we ended up spending the whole evening in (and you know what follows) rather animated conversation. Praise God despite the rashness of some of my words people were encouraged by the debate. I was the chief of them, feeling the presence of God so strongly I couldn’t sit still in my chair for joy of knowing Him. I don’t think anyone changed his mind, but that’s not so important. We all learned a thing or two and still like each other (I trust).
And now for some comic relief because laughing is better than crying. Did you know that not only is President Bush responsible for all the bad stuff that happens in the USA today, but even the weather in Europe is under his control? Yes, read up on your conspiracy theories, I think he sent rain to Basel just to spite us. Or maybe it’s part of his big battle plan to rule the world. Okay, so maybe I’m taking this too far, but I heard someone remark on the weather with “Thank you Mr. Bush.” I asked why he or she said this and his or her response was some dribble about Bush not doing anything to prevent global warming. Ah well, I guess we all get our political digs in here and there. We all know who is descended from what, now don’t we? (Warning! That was an inside joke, if you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about please don’t try to think you can figure it out.)
To relieve any tension I’ve caused by speaking of Glbl Wrmng I’ll add insult to injury by bragging that I called up the tax authorities in response to a letter I received and since a got a firm “nein” to my question of whether or not the receptionist spoke English I conducted it all in German. I believe I don’t have to declare taxes because I didn’t earn anything. I asked in a few different ways “So, I don’t have to do anything?” and got a “nein” each time, so I’m fairly certain I didn’t misunderstand.
Let’s end on a happy note. Today I heard many beautiful notes at two great concerts in a row. One was harp and lute, and of course, I went for the harp but enjoyed the lute as well. The other was a zink concert, but it was an excellent ensemble program with countertenor, posaune, violin, harp, and more. Beautiful! Stirring! Wow! I want more of it!!!!!
(I wrote this Friday night but didn’t post until now. It’s Saturday evening and I spent the first relaxing day at home in a long time. I didn’t get as much done as I’d hoped, but it was good to rest. Given the fact that there are only two strings on my chair now, I do believe that today was the first day I’ve made reeds since coming. The horror! Actually, it was fun to make them again. I’d forgotten how it’s a nice physical task that lets the brain think. Sort of like washing dishes but with more consequences. We’ve yet to see if they’ll serve me well in church tomorrow or not. By the way, I’m working on responses to various interesting comments. Thank you for them, and I’m sorry to be slow.)
That's an absolutely gorgeous rose picture!
Thanks, but have you seen the flower pictures on Stephan's site? He has many nice shots.
Is the upcoming marriage Sarah Briton's?
About enthusiasm. It seems several times before when you've mentioned homeschooling you've seemed to be making apologies for being "animated" about it--ditto on your feelings about "the reprobate." Please don't hear this as scolding, but--well, okay. Maybe just a little. Please DON'T apologize for "fail[ing] to keep passions low]" or "getting excited about something cool." Granted, I'm sure there's a place for learning wisdom and restraint, but it seems to me the point is not that *enthusiasm* is bad, but that it can be expressed uncharitably. I feel just as irrepressible about the primacy of Krispy Kremes, about Wegmans, Firefox, Hilary Hahn... and, to make a better parallel, certain doctrines. I'll talk about them to anyone who'll listen, for just as long as they're willing to listen. If my soul is in the right place, it brings joy to my heart *to* talk about them, and my talking springs *from* a joy *in* them. It's the closest I come to a "pure" motive--my expression is motivated by the object itself, not by an awareness of what might make me look cool or not. Now if, instead of simply praising Firefox I fell to bashing Internet Explorer (a bad example, since I do so ALL the TIME), or trying to counter my opponents arguments--then I've made just that, opponents. If I become *more* concerned with convincing my friends of Wegmans' superiority than I am with Wegmans itself... then I've missed the point somewhere. I think a lot of people are like that about a lot of doctrines. Ultimately, it's not *my job* to convince anyone; that's God's. To be sure, if the topic comes up, *I will* speak up--I'd consider myself lax not to--but try to do so with love and charity. And if anything I say fails to convince them, I wouldn't be shaken. (I'd grieve, of course, because it's hard to hold a belief strongly and closely, *and* have people to whom you're close not agree--and respond by neither weakening the belief nor rejecting/coercing the friends.) But Firefox *will* be the better browser whether or not they switch to it, and God's truth does not depend on their acknowledgment of it.
Bottom line: sure, practice restraint. Yes, practice parlaying violent passion into winning persuasion. Yes, feel the hurt when your best friends and most treasured values diverge. But DON'T apologize for being enthusiastic. I'd say the same if this were the High Romantic, with an aesthetic of exaggeration. But how much more in this post-modern aesthetic of understatement, that values seeing things as cool *without* getting excited about them! (Can you think what the Psalms would be like if David were a shoegazing indie rocker?!) God has given everyone different strengths, and believe me, one of yours is your ability to get wholly and sincerely enthusiastic about something. Do you realize that some people *don't have* that ability? That some are simply naturally retiring, but that others have slowly and thoroughly atrophied it through fear of man, limiting their approval to "Cool," and their approbation to "Meh," until they can't even convince themselves?
This concludes the rant-of-the-day. Just... don't stop getting carried away. Just be careful where you get carried to. "Therefore thou art not wrong, Israfeli, who despisest an unimpassioned song; best bard because the wisest, merrily live and long!"
Edgar Allan Poe. :)
Despite all appearances, I agree with Andy Bonner, down to the browser.
Here are some links to where we went:
Le Lavaux
L'abbatiale de Romainmôtier
La Dent de Vaulion (in German - but the picture's most important, see how it drops off on one side)
Thank you so much, Andy! Every time you write something I identify with so much I try not to think about what a great time we could have had in college. Did you ever pin point what you found so strange and mysterious about me? Hm, other than I was too busy to join you on midnight runs to Krispy Kreme. ;)
To the point at hand. I want to retain my enthusiasm. In truth, I fear I cannot do otherwise. I want to speak charitably and in love at all times. The question becomes, what does that look like? I am fairly certain it is a question of misinterpretation since I never feel hostility (okay, so maybe I used to my dear brother-in-law, but that was an extreme case) and always have respect for the party I am talking with. The last thing I want is to force someone to submission to my view because I was loud and enthusiastic. Yet, that’s often how people feel. I love what you say here: “If my soul is in the right place, it brings joy to my heart *to* talk about them, and my talking springs *from* a joy *in* them. It's the closest I come to a "pure" motive--my expression is motivated by the object itself, not by an awareness of what might make me look cool or not.”
That’s exactly how I feel! My joy is in the truth of what I’m talking about. I’m not thinking of me, and so I’m not even aware that I’m waving my arms and getting louder. Honestly! I try my best not come from a negative view, and just sing the virtues of what I believe in. That’s a bit hard with homeschooling because somehow people automatically assume that I think public school is bad and that everyone should homeschool and other strange things like that. I can find plenty of negative things to say about public school, so it takes much restraint not to say then, but it is entirely NOT the point! Yet, everyone sees it that way. Of course I think homeschooling is better, but public and private schools don’t need to be in the dumps for me to think that.
This brings me to the point that’s been bothering me on and off for a long while. It seems it is precisely because I believe in the truth of what I’m saying that people are offended. Somehow, I’m allowed to have beliefs, but I shouldn’t believe in them so much that it appears I actually believe they’re true. In this postmodern age truth claims are bad, but like you said, Andy, “God's truth does not depend on their acknowledgment of it,” and all truth is God’s truth. I may not be right, but I should believe in what I’ve discovered as truth until it is shown to be false. And yes, I do change my mind often enough. In discussion, I want truth to be discovered, whether that means I’m right or the other person is right. More often than not, we’re both right and wrong on different parts. Of course I believe in what I’m saying (though I make a pretty good devil’s advocate as well), but to ‘win’ the argument is not in my mind. That would mean the other person would loose, and I’m discussing with him precisely because I want him to win the truth. This is my underlying assumption in any discussion, but I’m learning that it is more often than not, not a mutual understanding. Any insights?
Another great point from Andy: “if anything I say fails to convince them, I wouldn't be shaken. (I'd grieve, of course, because it's hard to hold a belief strongly and closely, *and* have people to whom you're close not agree.” Yes! I remain convinced (unless new evidence came to light) and I grieve, but it is out of patient love for the person and the truth. Some truths are more important than others and as a passionate person I need to learn where passion is misplaced and when a truth is not important enough to argue.
“Ultimately, it's not *my job* to convince anyone; that's God's.” Amen!
“To be sure, if the topic comes up, *I will* speak up--I'd consider myself lax not to--but try to do so with love and charity.” Amen! May we all learn what it means to do just that.
Thank you, Andy. You are a dear encouragement to me.
The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress.
— Joseph Joubert
You know, I don't know what I was thinking in college, and I greatly regret not making the most of the opportunities I had. I guess I was so involved with IVCF and you were so... not (especially in the middle years). Plus I'm afraid I made some assumptions about your spirituality, based on the fact that you weren't visibly committed to a church body. (Of course I was one to talk, church-hopping to the end.) But as for "strange and mysterious," those are good things. At least, I don't know how accurate "mysterious" is, but the "strange" speaks for itself--eloquently. :)
Mm, I hear you about the offense of Truth vs. "truthiness." It seems like it's okay to have absolute opinions if you hold (or express) them unemphatically, or emphatic expression if it's of un-absolute opinions. I.e. nobody really minds my zealotry about Wegmans or Krispy Kreme, because they don't matter. Substitute any "hot topic" like abortion (or, within a bible study, the P-word or the F-W-words) and you need to either retain your secure opinion but pipe down about it, or else speak up but not really say anything. And... I don't know what to make of that either. But I can assure you that offense isn't the only reaction. Your undiluted, unblinking sincerity is a witness even to those who do take offense, and (even to them) it beautifies the drab background of muted opinions. (I sometimes think I'd rather deal with a few convinced, open ideological opponents than with hundreds who don't know what they think, and don't care to find out. (But isn't that the point of The Ball and The Cross? (Do, do tell me you've read it?! Or, if not, that you will? Here. http://www.online-literature.com/chesterton/ball-and-the-cross/1/))) And besides, even if it offends some, you can be sure that it attracts others.
In closing: Any irresponsible quotations should not be taken to imply that I am in any way fond of, or approve of, Mr. Poe. I just like that line! (I have it taped in my violin case, as a reminder against every time I start to think being overtly and unabashedly expressive in in "poor taste.")
Just goes to show hour our judgment gets us in trouble. I avoided IVCF because it looked cliquish and preferred Reformation, which had a church body of diverse ages.
Hm, P-word. Predestination? F-W, free will? Yeah, that does cause trouble, doesn’t it?
I think I have read The Ball and the Cross, but I don’t remember it, so it’s time to read it again. I have to finish Lilith first, though, and my non-online book Why the Rest Hates the West is giving me plenty of food for thought as well.
I completely agree with this: “I sometimes think I'd rather deal with a few convinced, open ideological opponents than with hundreds who don't know what they think, and don't care to find out.” But I’m continually finding that you and I are rather rare. No matter, all it takes is a few to make life very interesting!
"Has not one of the poets said that a noble friend is the best gift and a noble enemy the next best?" (fromThe Last Battle)
So, this is the comment referenced in a "previous" comment on a "future" post!
Yup. But although I think the P-F-W thing is probably the most important secondary doctrinal issue to figure out, it's just that. Now I would have to, reluctantly, and with every effort to persuade them, not include as Christians anybody that denied the deity of Christ, or the problem of sin, or by-faith-alone, or anything else central to The Gospel. And those doctrines are not open to compromise, to agreeing-to-disagree. I would do them no favor by giving them false assurance. But all other doctrines, while certainly important, and worth hashing out and arriving at biblical and God-inspired conclusions, are not grounds for dissension among believers or for breaking the unity of fellowship. (Some of my heroes have a blog-that-became-a-pastors'-conference called Together For the Gospel emphasizing that. Four church leaders, differing significantly in their beliefs on spiritual gifts, end times, and church government—in fact, I'm really not sure they're even in the same place on the spectrum of P-F-W—nonetheless came together to identify, to defend, and to lift up what is non-negotiable. (They came up with this [link is to a pdf]: www.t4g.org/T4TG-statement.pdf .))
If you've read The Ball and the Cross, it's probably because I "forcibly lent" it to you! The quick version is devout Catholic challenges devout atheist to a duel, and as they keep trying to have it, evading the interruptions of local authorities and circumstance, they come to discover they have much more kinship in caring about it enough to fight it out than the rest of society they keep running from. (And in the process of course they wind up having their duel by conversation...)
