Listening is a skill, a discipline, and I’m only beginning to train myself in it. This is an ode to the listening ears I encountered today. I mention the people of today by name but this is a thanks on behalf of all, to all those who open their ears and simply listen.
Mommy listened for an hour. I wailed on the phone nearly nonstop. All my woes, my thoughts, my worries, my hopes, my fears, my desires, my dreams. She listens, she holds in her heart, and she prays. I know. She’s always praying, and God’s ears are always open. He listens. Always. He waits for me to be quiet in my heart so I can listen to His silence. He teaches me gently in the great peaceful silence. His open ears and His gentle stillness answer me. Maybe not the way I want, but most assuredly the way I need. He knows the perfect way to answer. All His ways are perfect.
Jimmy came over today. I listened. He listened. We hurt, and we know there is no easy answer, but there doesn’t need to be an answer right now. I cannot help. I can only listen. Knowing someone is listening is sometimes enough. We shared scripture, but not answers. We encouraged, but without certainty as the goal. Then he listened to the deepest part of expression I know of as a human. I played my music for him. It was out of tune, it was scratchy, but it is my work, my thought, my expression of hope. He listened. He didn’t say it was good or bad. He hardly said anything. I just played. I wasn’t being judged. I was simply being listened to. Music is meant to be shared and mistakes shouldn’t matter. Jimmy let me express without being conscious of my inability to express. I kept playing to this perfect audience of one. Whether he suffered or enjoyed, I do not know, but he listened. Maybe that’s not good for an audience all the time, but it was just what I needed today, at that moment. I shared my vulnerabilities, my yearnings, my hopes through my halting music. I bared my soul and it was received gently without judgment.
One day I will learn to be misunderstood without hurting. One day I will learn to share without appreciation. One day I will find my sustenance and worth solely in the Lord. One day is not today, and all those listening ears of this difficult day healed a part of my heart. Thank you.
You, my dear reader, have listened as well. I do not know if you listened with an open heart or with a judging heart. I expose myself to you. Treat me gently. Remember to listen. You will be a blessing by it. What joy is there but to bless others?
Listening seems too easy to be of worth, but then I hear myself talking . . .
After reading this I am even sorrier to have missed our phone date yesterday than I was then. (And you can ask Jonathan what kind of names I called myself when I realized I had forgotten, though I hope he has forgotten by now. It was a humbling afternoon to realize that though I have been having success with self-control recently, the added stress of being sick threw it all out the window.)
No worries, sis! Of course I missed talking with you, but as you can see, it was a good day for being listened to! I'm trying to think of the 'bad' words you're capable of using. Silly? Spacey? Shoot? Good to know we can all improve, though. ;)
I actually came back to the computer to clarify about what word I used, since some people who read this blog don't know me. What I actually called myself was "loser."
You know, "loser" sends more chills down my spine than almost any other word you (or anyone) could have used.
I knew immediately after it came out of my mouth that I shouldn't have said it, or even thought it. As I said it was a humbling and convicting afternoon. By God's grace, and my hard work to take every thought captive, I will be able to control my words and actions even when I'm sick/tired/insert-trying-circumstance-here.
